toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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