she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
