So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
