Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
