I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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