Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Welp...herpes.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
