I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
