I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize