there's paper in my vomit.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The Olympian is in my bed
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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