She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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