yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
