i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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