found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
