Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
