I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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