omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize