Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
