The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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