I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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