i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
