Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize