I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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