youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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