Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
