My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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