i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
