Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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