I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
