sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
