i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
