wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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