Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
