Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
