I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
