i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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