Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
