two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
