Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
