He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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