i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize