I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
