So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
