I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
