My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize