i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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