Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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