I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
