You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
