I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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