Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
