I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
