I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
