made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
