i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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