It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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