I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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