god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize