I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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