I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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