I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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