I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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