You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
