Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize