There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
