i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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