I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
