If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We had sex on a dog bed..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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