Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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