I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
