my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
