He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
