We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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