At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Your penis caused this!
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