Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Vodka?
Forever.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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