when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
