You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
