She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
