I got chris browned last night
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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