I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
